19 Oct 2012

Sad (OOC)

I better not walk off a cliff...
I had a post already made up for today but I deleted it and replaced it with this one that follows. My original post had me updating people on my enforced absence with a plethora of events taking up my time and what I intended to do on my imminent return etc. However, it was scrapped and I re-wrote it as it seemed like a brain dump.

So many things took hold of my precious time these last three months:

Stress, I think

Olympics, Paralympics, a holiday-break-forced by wife and my own work with two of my team leaving the business, one death of a friend, terminal cancer for another friend, some of my friends now going through the dreaded mid-life crisis (including two divorces, one affair and one chap trying to 're-invent' himself in most hilarious fashion) - all assaulting my time.

Anyway, life certainly takes funny turns for me - the last three months therefore has had more events, good and bad than the last three years combined.

To top it all, my beloved cat died this a couple of days ago and this has hit me the hardest.

She was hit by a car and left on the road and was found by wife while I was at work. The cat, a surrogate child for us both was stiff and bloody and really, my wife shouldn't have been the one to find her, to bag her up and carry the small body back home. It should have been my job.

I couldn't make any initial sense of my wife blubbering at me, but managed to catch enough to realise something was wrong but after a few more calls; it all became chillingly clear. The silly cat who we had raised from kitten to cat is no longer with us. Last thing I remember was her dozing on top of the settee last night after sneaking around the house looking for 'things'. It's the memory that I am adamant will keep. Just wish I ended the night with a cat-hug as it would have been the last hug ever.

So why is losing this cat taken all the wind out of my sails?

I guess I will miss her walking over my keyboard when I am about to hit F1 (and she steps onto F8 and sets off a smartbomb instead...); I will also miss her crying out for food each morning as well as trying to smother me when my wife and I are in bed, fast asleep. So, a hard hit and I need to be there for my wife who is absolutely devastated. I think we're both going through the familiar and agonising ritual of second guessing ourselves on what we could have done, should we have kept her in that night? Checked on her earlier in the morning? Gave her an even bigger, reflective collar?

So many questions and you know what, spaceships and flying them isn't one of them.

Give me a couple of weeks people, was so looking forward to coming back but right now, the real world is important.

Bye bye sweetie. Missing you already.

My baby girl when we first saw her two years ago...